Tuesday, April 5, 2011

With my Tail Betwixt my Legs

Father, I come before you today to repent my many sins. The burden is just too much to bare. I can no longer live a lie. I'm a technology serial killer and I have nowhere to hide. Screeech, screech, screeeeeeech!

There is nothing I love more than curling up with a nice, hot cup of coffee and surfering the net. This morning I was minding my own business doing my morning ritual then I go to scratch my elbow and all of the sudden coffee is in a pool on the keyboard. It all happened so fast. As soon as coffee or a snack hits the keyboard (not that this has happened before...*weeps*) I grab the nearest tissues and attempt to recesitate. I apply direct pressure to the wound, turn the injured area over to drain the wound, and allow my beloved machine to rest in acoma while I pray and repent. Immediately, I regret my clumsy carelessness.

Sidenote: I really do have a lot of respect for technology. More like an unhealthy obsession. I manage my finances online, pay my bills, livestrong, tweet, email mortgage brokers, look at houses on realtor.com, and check FB (facebook for you cool people out there..I rarely go on facebook despite my knowledge of the hip lingo). Why I'm so quick to grab the nearest knife and twist it into the heart of any nearby technology is something I have yet to fully understand about myself.

The worst part of all of this is that the laptop I use technically belongs to my fiancee. He mostly uses his new Ipad 2 for leisure and his desktop for work. I've never actually owned a laptop that I could technically call my own (gee, I wonder why?). How is it possible that a tech savy web designer like B ends up with The Technology Serial Killer of Orange County, Florida? That is, if we're still engaged after he finds out about the murder of his beloved child.

Honestly, I haven't blogged for so long because I've been begging B to redesign my blog. It needs a major makeover to up my blogging motivation. After this morning's little transgression, I've decided to go ahead and keep blogging for several reasons. First, I know I'm going to be in the slammer for at least six months after today. I can only see B forgiving me if I save up enough money to buy myself a cheap laptop with an expensive warrenty and B his deam MacBook Air.  Also, after he finds out (hopefully not by reading this...Oh God...) I will be living an episode of True Life: The Life of a Vagabond Computer User. I'll probably only use his desktop when he isn't working of have to go to the library downtown, fight for a parking spot (joy), and fist bump with the other vagabonds that hang out downtown. Or worse yet, power on at my employer's where it takes two hours to load while I try not to scream in agony. Oh yeah, and I'm taking nutrition online this summer. I need a miracle...live baby, live!

I really don't blame B at all for being POed at me. I've killed numerous cell phones and now 3 laptops if this one doesn't come to. I'm dangerous and frankly, shouldn't be allowed out of the house (except that I need to earn money to bail my @$$ out). You can only forgive so many times. I need some sort of 12 Step Program: Tech Serial Murders Anonymous (TSMA), Tech Abusers Take Action (TATA), Tech Offenders Obtain Trust (TOOT), or maybe just You Can't Trust This B (YCTB). I can't change the clumsiness that resides so innately in me, but I have to learn to work around it. I'm going to go hide in a corner with my tail betwixt my legs now. And cry.

P.S. I really need to keep a handheld tape recorder in my car because I write blog entries in my head while I'm switching between Busta Rhymes and The Farmers Daughter on the radio. Maybe I should just quit the whole coffee thing. It seems to have multiple repurcussions..including spillage and manic blog posts.

P.S.S. I think B might read this...and reach through the internet and choke me..but I deserve it.

P.S.S.S. I shouldn't even be posting this right now.

P.S.S.S.S. Sorry for all the typos I was on a work computer while my patient took a nap.

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