|I'z thinking hard.|
-Having a corporate, heartless job that you are excessively overqualified for in a bad economy is called surviving and does not make you a bad person. For the record, although there are bad parts but there are some good parts too. I could go into it further but I don't think it's appropriate for the Internet.
-I was talking to my friend who is a lawyer about the mortgage-sized loan she is paying off from school, and I noticed how I nonchalantly waved off her debt as if it were nothing. It doesn't matter how much debt you have, what kind of job history you have, etc. what matters is where you are headed and whether or not you will keep trying and moving forward with your life and career.
So if you don't like where you are now, use this quote from this book I'm reading, "You can get glad in the same pants you got mad" (Suck Your Stomach In & Put Some Color On! by Shellie Rushing Tomlinson). Meaning you can change your situation or your attitude but you have to put your big girl panties on and try (that was me self-motivating).
-No matter what I go through or what I've been through my B will always be there for me through thick and thin. I'm very lucky and he is crazy (thankfully).
-I need to give myself more credit. I've been dealing with extreme anxiety over the GRE and PA school applications. Be forewarned: long drawn out curricula vita in paragraph form and me convincing myself that I can do this ahead- I'm more well-rounded than most applicants. I was a psychology major and health education minor (graduated summa cum laude had to toot my horn...hey I worked hard). I did a lot of interesting extracurriculars including taking calls at a crisis center and doing a lot of volunteer/paid work in the field of behaviorism (I wanted to be a behaviorist or a behavioral health psychologist for awhile.) Then, I worked in the real world at a non-profit organization that I really enjoyed but decided that I wanted to go into medicine/healthcare. Afterward, I went to a post-bac program for 2 years to take all my prereqs (read: Biology, Calculus, Microbiology, Chemistry, scary physics, even scarier organic chem I only took the lecture of orgo 1). I worked at various part-time jobs including at an office with 3 psychiatrists and a psychiatric nursing practitioner. That taught me a lot about private practice. I also volunteered at a hospital weekly in the surgery department (mostly cleaning and prepping rooms/materials and rolling patients around in wheelchairs to their cars etc). Sadly and very suddenly, B's dad was diagnosed with brain cancer so we moved back to my hometown. My priorities changed a lot and suddenly I realized I want more than a career-I want a wonderful family life. I took my last prereq here, got my CNA (certified nursing assistant), and found a job totally unrelated to a my CNA after 6 months of job searching. Still searching for other jobs with no luck despite my qualifications and have been trying to gain the courage to apply to graduate school for months now.
-Don't even think about what could have been. Just don't go there. Even if your path is not the most clearcut (see above) you are where you are and you have to start from there.
-On another note, I've been thinking a lot more about marriage and becoming a mommy. I'm a very nurturing person and I cannot wait to become a mother...but I realized that I can wait and I need to wait. I'm not "behind" in life as I have seemed to convince myself as of late. Well, let's just say I don't exactly have a lot of time to smell the roses as it were. I'm not exactly a spring chicken but I'm not exactly an old maid either. In other words, I think I will gain a lot from focusing on myself and my career for at least the next 3-4 years and allow myself to be as self-centered as I want to be. The time for that is now. God willing, I'll be able to make little babies after that. When you're a woman its kind of hard not to think about all those wasted eggs and whether or not you'll have the eggs when you want to use them...not like there is a shortage but you never know. I guess I just need to chill the heck out. Hormones leave me alone. It is not like we are in caveman times and are fighting to for a species to survive by getting knocked up constantly...shut up prehistoric, mammalian brain! Sigh.
-The working out is going well although taking a very short (day or so) break from my regularly scheduled program because I am a human not a robot despite corporate culture and the so-called definition of a work/life balance...what is that anyways?
-Last but not least, the gym is a good way to express your anger/frustration. So is writing in vague/stream-of-consciousness terms.
Sorry that was so random but I think that sums it up.